Parti Hampir Mati
We the rakyat hereby announce the establishment of Parti Hampir Mati (PHM).
Parti Hampir Mati is a multi-everything party that aims to bring development to all Malaysians without taking into account race, religion, geography, or political affiliation. Unlike the Human Rights Party, Parti Cinta Malaysia, and all our independent-but-BN-friendly Members of Parliament, we will never support either the BN or Pakatan Rakyat. Cross our hearts, hope to die.
We are the true third force, the voice of the rakyat!
Our manifesto is simple: we believe in the superior ability of the old and sedang nazaks to berkhidmat kepada negara. We think that no matter how young or smart or brilliant or rich one is, being old and nazak is still the best way to serve our country – and this is why we will only nominate hampir matis as electoral candidates in our quest for a better Malaysia.
Why is this so? Because we believe that the death of a hampir-mati YB (astaghfirullah) is the best thing that can ever happen to any constituency. It is the jackpot of all politics – and Parti Hampir Mati is here to ensure that more and more of our deserving populace enjoy this nikmat.
When your PHM representative is called home to Allah, you will enjoy the fruits of pembangunan like no other. Hallelujah. Money will rain down like manna from heaven. The muddy road leading up to the kampung? Tarred. The traffic light that has been broken for three years? Fixed. The clogged drains with the nyamuk and the stench? Cleared of gunk. This will be a time of great celebration, for your temples and mosques and suraus will welcome the faithful with new incense and bells and carpets and loudspeakers. Our leaders will menerima wahyus to remember your godforsaken sekolah-sekolah Cina, Tamil, dan agama – and bestow upon them new buildings, furniture, books! The lucky few, or many, will perhaps receive the best gift of all – cold, hard cash. Your every wish is Putrajaya’s command, and thy cup will overflow with grace. Alhamdulillah – for this is nothing short of a miracle, albeit an engineered one: satu lagi projek Barisan Nasional.
To him that has, more will be given. More woes, poor sir? Fret not, for Pakatan Rakyat will keep the good 气 (qi) flowing in. Note that these less well-endowed cousins of the BN still do have impressive barakahs for you and your people: tax breaks, land titles, free water, and lots of insha-Allah promises.
Needless to say, the hallowed death of your PHM representative will also bring you and your family immeasurable entertainment. Politicians from all sides of the august House will come to a town near you to call each other names and make fools of themselves. Just like cerekarama, only without RTM. The best part is when our many Yang Amat Berhormats turun padang: you will get to see, firsthand, who needs to go to the gym (Yang Amat Berats), who needs deodorant (Yang Amat Berbaus), who needs public speaking lessons (Yang Amat Borings), and who needs to go back to school (Yang Amat Bodohs). They will be at your beck and call: you say kiss my ass bitch, they say yes sir. Countless other yang tidak pentings will be running around in the terik sun doing shit for their political masters while you sit in the shade of your house and snigger. You are raja sehari, or seminggu, depending on what the EC says.
In this divine atmosphere the God of Wealth rears his head. 财源滚滚来, for all the wonderful ceramahs and hype will bring in the moolah! Business will be brisk: think of all the food needed to feed the hordes of outsiders, and all the beds they will need. And in our hostels and gerais and restaurants the Lord’s name shall be praised.
And what a blessed land you will vote in, all because of the fortuitous demise of your PHM representative. Amen.
If, syukur Allah, our hampir-mati YB does not die after two years, then he will be made to resign from his seat for the sake of getting the aforementioned nikmat to the rakyat. We shall cap resignations at one per month to ensure that the blessings from a by-election are not diluted – so as to maximize the welfare of our voters.
Should the supply of hampir matis be limited to the party, God forbid, the party shall nominate anyone to stand for election. Again, the YB will be made to resign to deliver the blessings of development.
To ensure that our elected representatives do resign when needed, they will all take oaths to divorce their spouses should they decide to serve full legislative terms. In talaq we trust.
As a double precaution, (and for the singles,) all candidates will swear sacred pledges to uphold the sacrosanct duty to create by-elections over the Quran/Bible/Sutras/Vedas/Utusan Melayu – lest they suffer the wrath of God, 天打雷劈, and eternal damnation.
Parti Hampir Mati is the best choice for you because it is the only party that can guarantee you and your family the fruits of development. The blood of our martyrs is the seed of pembangunan. Fuck Barisan and Pakatan – undilah Parti Hampir Mati.
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